There were really two kinds of reasons that I left the LDS church: personal and intellectual.
Personally, I was a failure as an LDS. The LDS church
teaches that people ought to share that they know that
the LDS church is true. They call this obtaining and
sharing one's testimony. Although I had asked God
hundreds and perhaps a few thousand times, during my 12
years as an LDS, whether or not the LDS church were
true, I did not know it was true. Presumably, on an LDS
understanding of these facts, there was something wrong
with me spiritually. I was spiritually deaf for some
reason, perhaps to due wilful or accidental sin. Or, I
was refusing to hear and obey God.
Prior to and during my mission for the LDS church, a
friend of mine named Brad Thompson, made wonderful
prophecies about what I was to do for God as a
missionary. These prophecies were not fulfilled, other
than one instance of fulfillment of a sentence that I
would be hated.
During my mission for the LDS church, there were some
times that I said that I knew that the LDS church was
true, but I felt I was lying to make such statements. I
made them, partly because I had been taught it was my
duty to so testify, and partly because some LDS somewhat
persuaded me that I did know the LDS church was true,
but I was not fully aware that I knew it.
After my mission ended in March 1981, I felt very badly
about my relationship with God. I was defeated and
confused. I wondered if I had failed God, or if — perish
the thought — God had failed me, or if, I had somehow
misunderstood what God was saying through Brad, or if,
God was not speaking at all. Emotionally I was lost.
Around this time, LDS church services ceased to draw me.
According to the gospel of John, at one point Jesus
says, "No man comes to me, except the Father draw him."
As a predestinationist, I believe that God gives people
a nature such that they are bound to seek and find
Jesus. God draws people to Jesus, by making them hungry
for Him. However, even those who do not believe in
Calvinism, when they read and consider this verse,
acknowledge that God is behind the scenes, orchestrating
events, to bring some people to His Son. God may
frustrate human desires or plans of some men, so that
those who are frustrated can only find their
satisfaction in Him and through Him.
Humanly speaking, God sometimes extract from us a
decision to walk with God, by casting us into the belly
of a great sea fish. The belly of the fish for me, was
1) I did not know that the LDS church was true; And 2) I
was emotionally and intellectually at a lost for
understanding the failure of Brad Thompson's prophesies
about my mission.
At this point, in the spring of 1981 I had been LDS for
nearly eight years. Now, LDS church services ceased to
"draw" me. Intellectually, due to my wide reading, I
generally knew more than the teachers. Spiritually, I
did not feel to worship God. Rather, I prayed that I
would either know God or die. Moreover, LDS church
services did little or nothing to helping me solve the
two personal problems I have described above.
I stopped attending LDS church services for about a
month, and then a "priesthood leader" threatened me, on
God's behalf, about my nonattendance. Not wishing to
irritate or offend God any more than whatever was
causing my deafness and confusion, I continued to attend
LDS church. Generally, I brought a book from the library
or bookstore and read it during church.
At this time, though, I assumed that the "problems" I
had were my fault, and did not lie in Mormonism itself.
I believed that Mormonism was true, but assumed that I
was somehow spiritually deaf or not hearing from God.
In 1983 I graduated from BYU with a degree in history. I
returned to Seattle and worked for a time as a canvasser
for a construction company. As I began to knock doors in
South King County, I found that one person every few
days came to their door with a clear smile and joy.
After asking about their home, I would also ask, "You
seem awfully happy. Is there any particular reason why?"
In each case, they said they were happy because they
knew God.
At this time, I was not looking for another church. I
had no intention or plan of leaving the LDS church. I
was not expecting spiritual answers to come from
anywhere other than from God to me. I did want to be
happy, though. I knew I was not happy and I could see
that these people were happy. I learned that all of
these people went to one particular church, called
Community Chapel.
After different invitations, I began to visit the Chapel
worship services. After several visits, I began to
visit/attend regularly. I found that I liked the church.
People were loving and kind and prayed for me. They
hugged me and knew their Bibles enough to answer
questions that I had. Although I was not a member, I
gradually became a "permanent visitor."
For the next year and a half, I attended both the LDS
church and this Chapel. (The Chapel had services three
times a week.) I attended LDS church on Sunday mornings
or afternoons, and the Chapel on Friday and Sunday
evenings.
It was very peculiar that this would happen. Although I
believed in Mormonism, I attended this other church for
six to eight hours a week. However, I felt that my
spiritual life, and my life as a whole, was ruined. Here
were people who loved God and seemed to be having
experiences with God. It seemed that God was answering
their prayers — and He was not mine! — and they were
warm, loving, friendly and accepted me even though I was
"still" LDS. My life seemed ruined and frustrated; why
not give eight hours a week to be with people who loved
God and me?
As I attended the Chapel, I found that I was learning
the Bible much more. As I learned the Bible better, the
wider the gulf was becoming between what I understood
from the Bible and what the LDS church taught. For one
simple example, Paul encourages speaking in tongues,
while the LDS church discourages it, as I understood
them. (Paul says, "I would that you all spoke with
tongues," and "He who prays in a tongue edifies
himself.")
There were other cases. At the Chapel, I learned that a
person could trust God for forgiveness immediately upon
repentance. In contrast, one LDS "prophet" had written,
"It is unthinkable that God would forgive serious sins
upon a few requests. He is likely to wait until there
has been long-sustained repentance …"
The LDS prophet Spencer Kimball taught that forgiveness
must be earned by arduous effort: "spend the balance of
your lives trying to live the commandments of the Lord,
so he can eventually pardon you and cleanse you," (Miracle
of Forgiveness, p. 200). As I learned more of the
Bible from the Chapel people, I realized that
forgiveness did not depend in any way on the number of
requests or the length of time of "repentance." The
publican went home justified, Jesus says. Forgiveness
did not depend on fasting enough, suffering enough and
praying enough, as Spencer Kimball had said it did.
Moreover, I also learned that, in church history, the
debate over this kind of question had already been
fought (and won) under Martin Luther and the Protestant
Reformation.
If Spencer Kimball really were God's prophet, why was he
teaching contrary to the Bible about forgiveness of
sins? Why was he resurrecting a long-dead doctrine of
forgiveness by time and/or prayer and/or fasting and/or
suffering?
As I learned more and more of the Bible, less and less
could I believe Mormonism.
How did I leave the LDS Church? God drafted me and He
enforced the draft!
—
David Zaitzeff