At that time, in the 1970’s - the Osmond family was
quite a pop sensation, and my friend Joan introduced me
to them. We learned that they were “Mormons,” and, after
mentioning this to my father, he mentioned that the
Mormons had an outdoor pageant close by and that he
would take us to see it if we wanted to. So, my first
exposure to the LDS church was at the Hill Cumorah
Pageant in 1973, when I was an eager 13 year-old.
Both Joan and I received free copies of the Book of
Mormon that night, and we stayed up until the wee hours,
eagerly reading. I don’t remember what my first
impression of the book was – I thought it was
interesting and was excited to be exposed to something
beyond what my parents had given me as a child. This
journey was “all mine,” something I was doing on my own
– not because I was raised in it.
After a few weeks of going to Sunday services at our
local LDS church, I decided that I liked being in this
place where people called me “sister” and always shook
my hand to greet me. Joan wanted to join, and she became
quite strong-willed about it, to the point I was sucked
in with her. But I didn’t care – I was happy to find a
place where I “belonged.” I was an independent “seeker
of Truth.” I joined the LDS church because it was my
personal discovery – not because I thought it had all of
the Truth, but because it filled me with all kinds of
“feel good, warm, fuzzy” ideas. And I needed that. I was
on the edge of puberty and confused by a lot of things.
The LDS church “held my hand” and gave me all of the
answers so that I did not have to think for myself.
For many years, I was quite active. I learned to
appreciate the women of the church – they always seemed
strong and ran their homes with pioneer efficiency.
Unfortunately, on closer inspection, they were anxious
and depressed. I married young and had my family right
away – something that the church strongly encouraged.
Little did I realize that by doing this, I had robbed
myself of opportunities to grow and develop my own
persona. I was deeply involved in the responsibilities
of raising a family and being the perfect homemaker. I
married a non-member, mostly because I lived in an area
of the country where there were few LDS men. All of the
young men that I grew up with went out to Utah to BYU to
find wives. I was a convert, and somehow, got this
feeling from the guys that were born into the church,
that I was not “good enough.” I think this was my first
clue into how the church brainwashes people. I feel
fortunate, however, that this experience made me more
open-minded about the church and other religions. I
never felt “better” than other people, although I felt
“blessed” because I had been brought to the “truth.”
I moved out west with my family and tried desperately to
bring the LDS gospel to my husband. He resented this,
and after four years of marriage, ran off with another
woman. I have not seen or heard from him ever since.
That was 21 years ago. I feel greatly to blame for
trying to force my beliefs on him.
I moved back east after my divorce to be with my friends
and family, and met a returned missionary that I had
grown up with. I was ecstatic – he was marriage-minded
and accepting of my sons. We got married in the
Washington, DC temple. I thought the ceremony was odd,
rather pagan and occultish, but there was so much
happening, and it was on a group temple trip. And my
former dabblings in paganism had prepared me for the
ceremony in an odd way that I could connect with it. The
whole thing went by in a blur. Little did I know what
hell I was in for after that. If I was pig-headed and
stubborn on points of doctrine, husband #2 was even more
judgmental and harsh regarding the LDS gospel. His heavy
handedness soon grew into emotional, verbal, and
physical abuse. Not only of myself, but of my children.
He used his priesthood “authority” as his alibi for his
actions. My life became nightmarish. If I could not grow
and develop before – then I was literally the walking
dead now. After seven long years, I left, but did not
see that the LDS church could have any blame in this
situation. I thought it was me. That somehow I wasn’t
valiant enough in living the gospel. That’s what the LDS
church teaches. If you don’t have a testimony of
something, then you aren’t trying hard enough or you
aren’t living your life the right way. Perhaps my
relative “open-mindedness” (in comparison to other LDS I
knew), was my greatest stumbling block. I went through
great periods of panic and depression.
I remained fairly active in the church, still. Why
wasn’t I listening to God, to whom I prayed every night
for guidance and protection from evil? He was trying to
tell me things for years, and I wasn’t listening! I went
on to ruin another relationship because of my insistence
that he join the church and take me to the temple so
that I could get a temple divorce from husband #2. (Not
that the church could POSSIBLY be blamed for having a
doctrine that prevents women from temple-divorcing their
abusive husbands!) I rushed into my marriages because I
was afraid of breaking the “law” of chastity. Since
then, I’ve known others who have done the exact same
thing, much to their sorrow. An LDS friend of mine has a
19 year-old son, already divorced. They married too
young out of the same fear of breaking that “law.” What
a tragedy!
About six years ago, I began to severely inspect the
doubts that had been in my mind for years. Take for
instance, the Book of Mormon, the “keystone” of the LDS
church. The Internet has provided access to many
documents that I would have never seen had I depended on
the LDS church to educate me. The Smithsonian’s
statement alone on historical and archaeological
inaccuracy is enough to crumble the LDS church’s claim
that this book is of divine origin and that Joseph Smith
was a prophet. I had always disliked Brigham Young
because of statements that he has made regarding women
and young men, and his teachings of blood atonement and
that Adam was God the Father. Ridiculous! Now, with
access to the Journal of Discourses and other historical
documents, it has become obvious to me that Joseph Smith
was a master of double-speak and brainwashing, and that
Brigham Young was never a prophet, either. Of course, I
also looked into Joseph Smith’s prophecies. Doesn’t even
the LDS church teach that a true prophet can be measured
because 100% of his prophecies become fulfilled? There
are many of Joseph Smith’s prophecies that can NEVER be
fulfilled because people in question have passed on
(including himself.) Didn’t he say that if he ‘lived to
be 85 years old, he would see the Son of Man’ (second
coming)? Although the Bible says NO MAN knows the hour
of his coming! The LDS church sweeps this under the
carpet! And the history of polygamy. Joseph Smith
practiced it LONG before he received a “revelation” on
it – and his wives were virginal teenagers that he
brought into the house against Emma’s will, even though
the Doctrine and Covenants said he was to have her
“permission.” Of course, if she didn’t give her
permission, then she was damned. Damned if she did, and
damned if she didn’t! The more I researched, the more it
didn’t add up.
For years, I had felt that true religion comes from
within. I will always be a Christian because I believe
that Jesus Christ is my savior. I finally had to realize
that the LDS church was a church founded on deception.
They had always called the Catholic Church “the whore of
the earth.” I would like to say that it’s the LDS church
that is the whore of the earth – leading many astray,
“as sheep to the slaughter.” Just look at church
history! What a literal fulfillment of this statement!
It’s taking me a long time to empty my brain of
Mormonisms and re-learn all of the things that I was
taught in my childhood. It’s taking me a long time to
regain my self-esteem and sense of self-identity. The
church took that away from me, too, and tried to cram me
into their mold of what women are supposed to be. I’ve
never met so many depressed, anxious women in one place
in my life! I thank God for helping me to see the light.
I’ve gone through episodes of pure anger - my life got
completely screwed up because I tried desperately to
follow the LDs church’s teachings. At the age of 41, I
am living with the stigma of being divorced three times.
I had tried hard to “be good” and not to question
anything because I had no priesthood authority and ‘God
did not inspire women of the household’. After beating
myself up about this, I am at peace because I know I am
not perfect. In fact, I have much to offer because of my
experience. I am a sinner and I NEED Jesus Christ in my
life. I am now wary of ANY church dogma or anyone who
says “it’s this way because that’s my interpretation of
this passage in the Bible.” To anyone investigating
joining the Mormon cult, I say “run away and don’t look
back!”
I thank God I am FREE!!
— Melanie