I subscribed to Mormons in Transition.org several months ago. I appreciate the posts. As a "Mormon In Transition" I was very frustrated. I asked God to help me with the scriptural and emotional conflicts I had with Mormonism versus Biblical Christianity that were tormenting me. Shortly after my prayer for help I found this site. This non-organization, you folks, has helped heal the incomprehensible pain that this Mormon (used as a term of heritage versus belief) has had to live with since he went BORN AGAIN in 1986!
I was born into The LDS Church, (referred to
hereafter as “The Church”) in 1949 and into a Mormon
heritage that traces back to ancestors that were
converted in England. My ancestors pushed and pulled
handcarts from Nauvoo to Cash Valley, Utah. I was active
during the 36 years of my association with “The Church”
due to my love for the Lord and in spite of my not so
consistently active Mormon parents. And though they had
their shortcomings, they were, as Nephi wrote, “goodly
parents”. My father ordained me to the Office of Elder;
and I was married and “sealed for time and all eternity”
in the Los Angeles Mormon Temple to my beloved wife and
friend.
Following in my father’s footsteps as a trombone player
and while active in the LDS Church, a fellow high school
band trombonist invited me to sit in a rehearsal of the
Sacramento Citadel Salvation Army Church Band. At the
first note of the 22 member British style brass band
ensemble, I felt the touch of God as the music swelled
and filled the sanctuary.
From that point on, I would shuttle between “First Ward”
priesthood meeting, Sunday school, choir practice,
Sacrament meeting, and The Salvation Army Band
performances including their Sunday School, Open Air,
Holiness, and Salvation Meetings (In 1968 LDS meetings
were split up with the other wards that occupied the
multi-ward house, so there would be-in some cases-hours
between meetings). At the end of the Holiness/Salvation
Services, Captain Morelock would invite the congregation
in an altar call. It was during those times that I found
myself very uncomfortable. I felt I was being pulled to
the penitent form as I could imagine myself going
forward to give my life to Jesus. Yet the life-long
teachings of “The Church” had taught me that other
churches were wrong and their practices foolish. So
there I sat, shaking quietly in my pew wishing the altar
call would end.
To my parent’s chagrin, a wise new friend, an Eb (E
flat) Tuba player (today Salvation Army Officer “pastor”
Captain Eric Sholin), I found in the Sacramento Citadel
Band did lend me a recording titled “The Holy War”
performed by the International Staff Band of The
Salvation Army. The album title was a major brass band
work inspired by John Henry’s Pilgrims Progress.
The motive was based on Martin Luther’s text, A Mighty
Fortress is Our God (at that time the third hymn in the
Mormon hymnal). Also, on the album was a piece entitled
Concerto for Pianoforte and Band which was based
on the chorus Christ is the Answer to My Every Need.
Little did I or my tuba friend know that the
reel-to-reel tape copy I made of the Holy War album
would be my only contact with The Salvation Army for 17
years.
After high school, I entered US Army Basic Training for
Reserve Duty at Fort Ord, California. I was assigned to
the 22nd Army Band for my advanced individual training
(Military Occupational Specialty “MOS” Trombone). Prior
to leaving for Fort Ord, the principal cornetist of the
Sacramento Citadel Band, and Songster Brigade (choir)
Leader, Eric Loveless, gave me some editions of the
Musical Salvationist, a publication of choral works
by Salvation Army composers.
For some reason I had those editions of the Musical
Salvationist in my hand when I reported to the 22nd
Army Band. The band was in formation when I walked into
the rehearsal hall. Without me knowing, standing in
formation was Salvation Army composer Bruce Broughton.
One of his compositions was among those in the editions
of the Musical Salvationist I held in my hand! It
was like a divine appointment! I had the privilege of
spending many hours with Spc5 Bruce Broughton in the
piano practice room as he would compose, not knowing who
he was or his prominent standing in Salvation Army music
circles. It was decades later when I saw his name in the
credits as musical composer for the films Silverado,
and Young Sherlock Holmes.
While I was in basic training, my parents moved to San
Luis Obispo a small central coast town of California.
While assigned to the 59th Army National Guard Band in
Sacramento, due to my parents moving to San Luis Obispo,
I lived with my grandparents in a near-by small farming
town called Elk Grove, California. While attending the
Elk Grove Ward with my beloved grandparents, I met, what
I thought to be the love of my life, a petite,
beautiful, and vivacious LDS girl. There went my
Christian focus and back to the LDS Church I ran ... for
good ... I thought.
The LDS Elk Grove Ward “girl of my dreams,” the “first
love of my life” was not to be. However, the damage was
done. Though we broke up, I was back in the fellowship
of the LDS faith. After working a few years in Stockton,
I transferred to San Luis Obispo to attend college.
While attending the college branch of the San Luis
Obispo Ward, I met the girl that I married in the Los
Angeles Temple. I later joined the United States Air
Force Band of the Golden West which then stationed at
March Air Force Base near Riverside, California.
During those twelve years at Riverside First Ward, I had
the calling of choir director, and congregational music
leader. As the Sacrament Meetings would sleepily pass, I
would sit on the stand and listen in my head to segments
of the Holy War album my long ago friend had lent to me.
One of the passages that would repeat in my mind’s ear
was the male choral section of Concerto for
Pianoforte and Band singing the simple words,
“Christ is the answer to my every need, Christ is the
answer He is my friend indeed ...”
Thinking back, I was in transition since the first note
I heard at that first rehearsal with the Sacramento
Citadel Band. As the ward congregational music leader, I
would select hymns that would reflect items I had played
and listened to during my short introduction to
Salvation Army Brass Band music culture. Thus I would
select congregational hymns that would lean towards the
gift of grace, and the greatness of God versus the
potential greatness of self (i.e. "Praise to the Man").
I would select hymns such as A Mighty Fortress
and I Stand All Amazed at the Love Jesus Offered Me
... Ironically, the Sacrament Service hymns helped focus
where my heart should be… on Jesus Christ. However, the
real point of Jesus to live in my heart, was missed.
About that time, my wife and I, shopping at a garage
sale, came across an issue of Dialogue: A Journal of
Mormon Thought. During our subsequent subscription
to Dialogue: A Journal of Mormon Thought there
was much written about the uncomfortable blacks and the
priesthood issue and the dilemma “The Church” was
facing. However, the dilemma as we saw it was not the
blacks and the priesthood issue; it was how to resolve a
practice with a revelation that should not have been
required. And a revelation came forth!
Side bar: I chuckled at a MIT post regarding “revelation
by committee.” Indeed!
Wait a minute. Blacks barred from the priesthood was an
embarrassing practice that originated in the context of
nineteenth century thought. We need a revelation from
God to correct a practice? I suppose this was the
beginning of my apostasy and the disillusionment of my
wife with "The Church" brethren. By the way, not long
after subscribing to Dialogue: A Journal of Mormon
Thought, we were introduced to Tanner’s Shadow or
Reality. Shadow or Reality did not help us
maintain our faith in the “brethren” either. Shadow
or Reality was perhaps the sword that was plunged
into the throat of deceit. I later found The Sword of
the Word of God to be the final weapon that would slice
deceit into pieces I could discard.
Sidebar: I was at first repulsed by the antagonistic and
argumentative bias of Shadow or Reality. I would
say to myself, “Is this item or that item such big
issues?” and then be apologetic about points I could not
defend that were raised in Tanner’s monumental work. I
would feel sinful as I would peruse its pages,
especially when I would read about the Temple Ceremony.
We were taught in “The Church” not to discuss the
ceremony outside of the temple. Today, I use it as a
sort of “standard work,” with major reservations, and as
a reference when I feel compelled to relapse back to
Mormonism. The point I found with Shadow or Reality
and use is “The Church” being perfect, is required to be
100 percent doctrinally correct. If a blatant problem
exists, it collapses on its own weight. Thus, as I read
the Book of Mormon, and the Pearl of Great
Price I find myself saying, “Excuse me?” And, the
more I get into and study the Word the more and more the
BOM disintegrates ... becomes unnecessary. The PGP has
also to me become absurd. Does God really write that
poorly? Therefore, in my mind, “The Church” collapses
just like the original church flannel board cut-out
would dramatically be knocked off the missionary flannel
board (first “discussion” 1963) ( I would go out and
assist the missionaries when I was a deacon) to
demonstrate the loss of priesthood authority of the
ancient church due to the death of the original twelve
apostles.
As disillusionment increased, the collective joy of my
personal family attending the Riverside First Ward
diminished. The joy decreased to the point I decided to
take my family of a wife and three young children to The
Salvation Army Church at Riverside, California. It was
at that small Salvation Army Church at Riverside that I
was inspired, when I got home, to get on my knees beside
my bed and ask Jesus to come into my life. Immediately,
a feeling of being embraced came over my entire person.
The experience nearly blew me away! It was as if Jesus
was saying, “It’s about time you asked!!!” Praise the
LORD for His patience!!! YES???
This was the beginning of a very long and painful ten
years of continuing recovery. My mind, which was tied to
the “teachings of the prophets”, said one thing, and my
heart that belongs to Jesus would say, throw all that
stuff out. Fortunately, I had a long association with a
dear Bandmaster, Lottie Anthony (82 years young, who has
since gone to be with the Lord) of the Riverside
Salvation Army Band. She was solidly grounded on “The
Rock” of The Word of God (The Bible). Through the
passage of time and grounding myself in The Word of God,
through her influence, my mind was pried open to
biblical Christianity. However, wool that has been dyed
“true blue through and through” tends to have deep dyed
spots that just will not come out. So like deeply-dyed
wool, isolated enclaves of the “teachings of the
prophets” remain buried in the recesses of my brain.
Even so, I had put my trust in Jesus, becoming truly a
born again (BA) Christian and a uniformed Salvationist.
My parents became alarmed and informed the local ward
Bishop of my activities in The Salvation Army. In the
Mormon attitude of perform or leave, I was called into
the local Bishop’s office. I was given the choice of
leaving The Salvation Army and coming back to “The
Church” or to ask for my name to be removed from the
records of “The Church.” I had no choice. I asked where
do I sign. Six months later, after the wheels were in
motion to have my name removed from the records of “The
Church”, which was really to help the local ward
statistics, I was on my way to Japan. And I was “FREE at
last”! At my parents’ request, I did ask for a delay in
having my name removed. The request was ignored ... A
blessing.
Now I was assigned for a two-year unaccompanied tour to
the United States Air Force Band of the Pacific
stationed at Yokota Air Force Base, Tokyo, Japan. While
there, I searched and found a Salvation Army Church in
Kyose, Tokyo. I also joined the all-Japanese Territory
Staff Band of the Kiyo Se Gunn (Salvation Army in
Japan). Due to the fact that all services were in
Japanese and translated into broken English by my friend
Bandmaster Hajime Suzuki, I was forced to feed myself on
God's Word (I was using the New International Version of
the Bible). It was also in Japan that I was taken under
the wings of a very godly couple, Colonels Ted and Louis
Morris, Chief Secretary to the Commissioner (leader) of
the Japan Territory. As a trombonist in the Japan
Salvation Army Staff Band, I had the opportunity to
perform at Territorial gatherings. The Commissioner was
often the keynote speaker. In the broken translation of
his sermons, I would say to myself, Yes! I want a closer
relationship with Jesus Christ and would find myself at
the penitent form to be discipled by Colonel Morris.
During those times, Colonel Morris would wisely provide
the basic tools, that would help and inspire me to
continually reinforce the underpinnings of my vertical
relationship with Jesus Christ. Those underpinnings were
to enhance the delicate Babe in Christ environment for
Jesus’ spirit to grow within me and for me to grow in
Jesus.
However, though I am a born again Christian, I am still
a “cultural” dyed-in-the wool (DITW) Mormon and thus I
still have problems throwing off the teachings of the
"prophets" and getting the dye out. I also look back at
the dramatic healing that took place after my
participation in anointing of the sick. I witnessed my
father’s miraculous recovery from an eye injury, the
healing of my mother, and the incredible almost instant
healing of my former wife, mother of my children, and
friend to this day. True, my robes are washed white due
to the Blood of the Lamb; it’s those few deep-dyed spots
I just can’t seem to get totally out. Perhaps this may
be due to my mind being programmed to question
everything due to having been burned by my 36 years of
unquestioning regurgitation of Mormon doctrine and then
coming to the realization that I believed in and have
been regurgitating a lie. But I also cannot deny "the
power" that was manifested as a bearer of the
Priesthood. Also, as a young Mormon, I received a
“testimony” of the Book of Mormon, received dynamic
answers from questions I posed in the forum of prayer
and cast out via the power of Jesus Christ, Satanic
thoughts and desires that would harbor in my mind.
Perhaps you may appreciate the wrenching I feel in my
stomach when I write and say the things I have written
and said to others that discredit “The Church.” Yet, it
is so sweet – being in love, to have the one-on-One
relationship with Jesus and now totally accepting the
will for my life to be the will of, The One, Jesus
Christ. Anyone relate?
Today I worship, “in spirit”, and fellowship at The
Salvation Army Tustin Ranch Church. I play principal
trombone, my style of worship, “My life style” as my
DITW Mormon mother calls it with the world- traveled,
thirty-four piece Tustin Ranch Church Salvation Army
Band. Incidentally, the band is going on tour to
northern California in February 2001. One of the
highlights of the tour is performing a concert and
worship service at the Sacramento Citadel Salvation Army
Church ... the place where I began my prodigal journey.
Thus lost, almost found, lost again, and finally found!
Praise The Lord!
There is more to discuss that perhaps DITW-MITs may
relate to. I’ve come across former LDS types that came
into “The Church” from protestant backgrounds, became
disenchanted and finally realized Jesus is Lord. As a
point of note, I give trombone lessons to a friend at
Tustin Ranch who came from a protestant background,
joined “The Church”, and left “The Church” 18 years
later. He wrote a tract and published a book regarding
his sojourn in and out of “The Church”. It was through
his spiritual exiting of “The Church,” he found, like
me, that Jesus Christ is the only way, truth and
life! Like me, he has come to the realization
that The True and Living Church is we believers living
in Jesus Christ and Jesus Christ living in us. My friend
also made The Salvation Army Tustin Ranch Church his
church home. Unlike me, he does not have problems with
the Godhead as defined by Protestantism. I, as a DITW,
have had considerable problems with the three-in-one
trinity. The trinity issue is perhaps that "drink" that
may make this person in recovery relapse if I could
accept the rest of Mormon doctrine. For the trinity
issue is the foundation that justifies “The Church
temple work,” the “preparatory ordinances” for the next
life for those living and dead. It is the temples of
“The Church” that gives “The Church” its purpose. For
me, who has gone to the temple, endorsed the beauty of
being “sealed” eternally to those I dearly love, the
three-entity trinity has been very difficult for me to
emotionally discard. Therefore, though I have let go of
"The Church," "The Church" as an addiction will not let
go of me.
However, writing this letter and reading the posts, has
helped me distill those issues so at this time, I cannot
go back. For the fundamental principle is an internal
relationship with Jesus Christ and therefore
three-in-one, or three distinct entities being
“one-in-purpose,” is not nearly the concern it was when
I began this letter. May I submit, being ONE with Jesus
is my greatest concern and after that, for me, with
faith in the infinite love of Agape Father God, and
Jesus Christ as my KING and the LORD of my life, the
rest will come.
I hope other DITW might share how they recovered from
years of programming to finally immerge totally FREE.
For totally Free in Jesus Christ I want to be.
Thus, thanks MIT for this forum that has been such a
great help to me in my recovery. I welcome your
feedback.
Yours in Christ,
Dennis Sibley
Epilogue: I began this letter about August 22, 2000 the
day I received my first post from MIT. As of October 22,
2000, the day I completed this letter, the
"dyed-in-the-wool" spots are GONE! PRAISE THE LORD! AND
GOD BLESS YOU MIT'rs!